you know... i blame myself... but it's hard... nobody taught me how to budget...
people laugh and talk... but i really try... I just hate that I have no control...
even when u do best to control... it just doesnt work...
i made sure my medications were good... i budgeted... i did what i know was going to be routine so i budgeted expecting...
then, with no memo... no notification ... no warning... my insurance decided to change...
i go to pick up my medications... they all should be less than $100...
but no... i need my medicine...
i go to pick up...
then there... i ask if there's a mistake..
no mistake... i tell the tech (who i'm mad because he looks inferior... inferior?,.. i'm pissed off... he's not pissed off... so he's inferior... no worries for him... he doesn't know.. he looks all but 18... fucking inferior... anyway)
so a multi-billion dollar pharmacuetical corporation that I work for can't even be consistant with my health and medication insurance, despite how much i work for them...
so... there...
hundreds of dollars... for some pills in containers...
hundreds... i had to pay...
i will never... never work too hard anymore...
i'm through...
i do my best... and it falls down on me... life orders me to do push-ups...
i do them... the perfect push-ups... then they put their right leg on the lower lumbar of my back... they press down and taunt me...
why?
for cruelty... they don't warn me at all...
for their amusement... i struggle...
only, because i said it 2 days ago...
i was confused...
i thought i was truly happy...
i told people that I was finally happy...
and i was...
for 2 weeks i felt... complete..
at rest... just laying down... closing my eyes...
no stress
no ex...
no pain...
then...
everything catches up with me...
i was in my own world... i built it... i had God's permission to change my life... and i did it... i left it all... everything that can hurt me.. make me sad... make me mad... make me confused...
just like the old me...
i left it all...
and they knew it...
so it all came back...
everything
it's finding me...
this is my journey...
people say... Ric stop running... stop whining...
but i've done it since i was 13...
and i let them stop me..
but im not turning back anymore...
I will humor you..
ask me if i'm happy...
i am.
am i sad?
nope
mad?
nope
depressed? or manic?
no and no.
i smile...
but ask me about anything personal...
ask me anything personal...
and i'll run from you too.
because i'm better for it.
oh Ric... you're such a drama addict... you need to Not let it get to you Ric...
hmpf...
fuck you.
it comes to me..
and let me confront it..
and it'll be over...

i read what i write... for errors...
i don't mind the little errors... im not infallible yes I know that.. and now, i'll admit if i'm wrong..
but sometimes it looks like the writing of a potential psycho...
now i know what they mean whenever they say that the system did it to them...
am I psy... am i crazy then?
well...
I take the meds... i see the docs... i do the counseling...
and as long as i keep running... then i'm in active motion...
distraction is the potential...
i'm just so sick and tired of running...
i hate it...
i really do...
i'm done.
i took a breath...
it caught up to me...
but im ready again...
let's get this over with...
and again,...
i'm off...